I've never been a person who is confident in my abilities. I loved volleyball in high school. It was my favorite sport. I wasn't great at serving, but I was good at being in the back row and hitting that ball hard enough to get it where it needed to be. I loved it. But when it came up that I would need to try out to get on the teams in high school, I quit. I never gave it a second thought because I was too embarrassed, too afraid to try out. That pretty much sums up my life. I joined the clubs and organizations I could be in that didn't require trying out. I didn't apply to any colleges that could turn me down because I was too afraid to get that "I'm sorry" letter. I loved band. I loved being good at it, I loved learning new music, and I loved when I finally got to be section leader. However, we lost 2 band instructors, and he required me being on the spot in front of everyone when I played, and I quit. My entire life I've never been confident to stand up in front of everyone and say I'm good at something, or give it my all to do something I love. That has never been who I am. My confidence was so poor that in high school I started dating anyone and everyone who told me I was pretty or showed me attention. I was broken.
At 17 I peed on a stick, and then I cried while standing over that stick realizing I wouldn't go to college and have fun with my friends. I walked across the stage at my high school 2 months pregnant. 9 months later I cried when I woke up in labor, scared, terrified and engaged to a man I didn't love but had to be with. Less than 24 hours later I cried again when I held a beautiful little girl in my arms. I knew that nothing else ever mattered and nothing could ever matter more than she does.
I didn't realize it then, but that first year of her life was a try out. I was proving I could be a Mother, that I could be a good Mother. I may not have been the best volleyball player, the prettiest cheerleader, the most creative writer on the newspaper and I definitely wasn't accepted into Harvard or any other highly respected schools, but I survived my most important try out ever. Not only did I survive it, but I excelled at it. I didn't read the 15 baby books I bought or buy all organic food and breastfeed until she was 3, but every single night and day, I was home with my daughter. I taught her everything she needed to know, I nurtured her, I protected her and I played with her. I did all the things I had to do to be the best Mother I could be to the best of my abilities at 18.
So here I am at 23, having passed my tryouts to be a Mom at 18, and passed my tryouts to be a twin Mom 3 years later. And I hope I pass my next one. We are trying for baby #4 :) And yes, I'm aware how insane that sounds, but being a Mom is all I ever wanted without knowing I wanted it. I want my babies close enough in age that they can all be close, because it's important to be surrounded by those who love you, by those who can build confidence in you. I want to raise my girls to know their worth, to know they are strong enough, smart enough, and capable enough to accomplish everything they want to accomplish in life. Yes, I will go back to school at some point, but that's not the most important work I will do. The most important moments of my life will take place within the four walls of our home, with my husband who happens to be an amazing father, and our four children who happen to be the center of our universe.
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