Anyway

I wasn't a great Mother today. Today I was upset with my 5 year old for not knowing how to do math, I was irritated with one of my 2 year olds because she undressed herself for the third time, I was aggravated with my other 2 year old because she wouldn't go to sleep and lay down when she was suppose to. Today I spent more time arguing with my children, than enjoying them. Today, I failed.

Some days I'm really proud of my parenting, in fact, most days. I read articles about kids who were given drugs and brought out to the woods to be burned, and about parents who forget their kids in the car, and here I am, bashing just about everything I did today. My kids were fed, properly cared for, given hugs and kisses, played with, and still I feel guilty. I yelled when a ball was thrown and knocked down the mirror, I yelled louder when the same ball was thrown and knocked down our clock, and I yelled again when I went to their room and found them awake for the hundredth time I've been in there trying to get them to sleep. I scolded the kids for running in the house, fighting, throwing things, not eating their food, throwing said food on the floor, yelling in the house, slamming doors, getting into things they weren't suppose to, and whining about every. single. thing.

Every day is not like this. Not every day is this difficult. Most the time when these days are difficult, they aren't doing anything out of the ordinary, they are being 5 and 2 year olds, they are doing what they do best. It's really not them, it's me. I was anxious about everything today, exhausted, nauseous, irritated, frustrated, and completely not myself. Although I will say, they usually listen better too. I'm beginning to think that when we have these days where we clash heads all day, it's all of us having a hard day at the same time.

We all can't be perfect every day. I can't be incredibly patient, understanding, relaxed and carefree every day. Life isn't perfect, and neither am I. So today I yelled, I argued, I was frustrated, but I fed them anyway, I played with them anyway, I changed them anyway, and I loved them anyway. Lets just try again tomorrow, shall we?

The Fourth Child

As many of you already know, we are expecting our fourth child. We tried for only a few months before we got pregnant. Actively trying to conceive a child was a whole new experience for me. As my other pregnancies were "accidental." I never saw myself with 4 children. It wasn't in the plan. I wanted 3 children, 3 years apart, 2 girls and 1 boy. This was all suppose to happen after my nursing degree. My plans were laughed at when my second pregnancy was twin girls. And now, here we are, carrying the child that will be just under 3 years younger than our twins. Number 4.

My Mom had a friend when I was growing up that I can easily say had a hand in raising me. She was there for my family during many of our rough patches, and for that, I will be forever grateful. She had 4 children. I loved being at her house. There was always something going on, always fun to be had, and always a lot of kids around. No, they weren't rich, and didn't always have the biggest house, but she always decorated it beautifully and made it home. The amount of love, excitement and joy in their home made me never want to leave.

I hope someday to be that house. The house that all of the children gather at to have fun because there's just so much excitement. I want my home to be chaos. I want to always have something going on and be surrounded by my children and their friends. I want to hear the echos of children laughing all through my house for as long as I can. No, we aren't rich, and I do plan on finishing my degree in order to make sure my kids can go to college, but I know my children will never go without. They never have. They have closets full of clothes, food in their bellies, and the largest amount of toys I've ever seen any kid have. Our kids have what they need not because we are "well off," but because we sacrifice anything and everything we have to in order to give them the life and things they deserve. We've been doing this for 3 children, why not 4? I'd be lying if I said that the thought of having 4 kids never overwhelmed me, but it brings more joy than panic, more love than sorrow, and more calm than chaos. I'm so ready to complete our family, to sit on our couch with our 4 kids and look over and smile at my husband in complete and utter content. I'm ready.