I grew up in a small town, a God-fearing, farming community. My parents never brought me to church, it just wasn't in their day planner. So I found ways to "fit in" and go with anyone who invited me. I had to know what all the fuss was about.
I attended Vacation Bible Study with one of my childhood friends, on multiple occasions. I even went to Sunday services with them when allowed. When I became a teenager I started attending a youth group during the week, and I regularly went to church, and youth on Sundays as well. I willingly went to Church. I wasn't drug there by my parents. I called myself a Christian, and I smiled politely and talked to the members of the church, and I prayed for them outside of it. During this period of time, I probably read the bible from cover to back at least twice. I even sang the "I am a Christian" song at least a hundred times on the band bus with my friends. My Pastor even came to my home the day my Dad died to be there for me and my family. He cried with me, and he held my hands and he prayed for me during my time of need. He was one of the best men that I knew. I wanted to believe so badly. I wanted to be that happy, God-reliant, giving my many worries to God type of person. The only problem was, I just wasn't.
I don't believe in God. I can say with complete certainty that I never really did. I was a square trying to fit into a circle. I put on the clothes and I stood in the crowd and I hoped that no one noticed that underneath my church clothes was a bright red dress. A dress I couldn't wear proudly for fear of being judged, a dress I felt uncomfortable in, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get off.
Every time I tell someone how I really feel, I can see the judgment on their faces, the disappointment in their voice. You can tell they think less of me. It's like the type of person I am isn't as important as my religious category society has placed on me. Believe me when I say, I wish I could change the way I feel. It's like how you can't help who you love, I can't help how I feel. I'm not speaking for everyone, but for me, I tried to change my own views. I sang louder, I prayed harder, but no matter what I did, it just wasn't in my heart. It simply wasn't there. How long do you go to Church and walk out feeling like a fraud before you finally are honest with yourself? For me, years.
I'm not a horrible person. I'm a Mother to my 3 amazing little girls. I don't implant words of demons or tell them not to believe in God themselves. They can make their own decisions when they are old enough to understand. I donate my time and money to my community and my friends whenever I can. I think churches are amazing. They do great things for their members and our communities. Between the passion, the manners and their all around friendly attitudes, I feel at home there. I don't judge you for your belief in God, please don't judge me for my lack there of. I didn't choose to be a mean person when I chose not to go to church, I chose to be a good person without fear of Hell as retribution. I chose to be honest with myself.
Some day I may try again. I know if my kids ever want to go to church I will without a doubt put back on those church clothes over my pretty red dress, and I will open a hymn book and sing as loud as I can, but until such time, I'll do my best to be comfortable in my own skin.
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